Lord of the BeltBuckles:TFOTBB
by HighNote
Summary: Tolkien's classical tale with a redneck twist! Join us on this journey through middle-earth, full of laughs, beer, and many other redneck items! Rated T for language and suggestive themes.R


**Hello there, friends! This little story is just something a friend of mine started about 4 years ago with another friend of his; since that time, that friendship has dissolved and the other "friend" threw away the completed first-draft! Well, my friend didn't want such a funny idea to go to waste, so he asked me to help him with a complete rewrite, and, being as in-love with the concept as I am, jumped at the chance. This story was once very different than it is now; he and I both worked very hard to bring this new version to you, and keep in mind, this is only chapter one, we won't be posting anymore until we get some feedback, so those of you who want more (all two or three of you lol) will have to message me and tell me what you liked, didn't like, etc. There was a small problem with this story however..... with my current fics and my upcoming work on a certain DC fanfic site (pm me if you want the name), I didn't have time to help him actually write it out, so we had to come up with a way that we could both be there while he typed it.... the answer you ask? the phone, baby! Yup, that's right, we wrote the story together over the phone while he typed it out right then and there.............. Oh, and if people enjoy the first book enough, we've already got things lined up for the second! And a special thanks to the two sweethearts who already promised to read this (no matter how painful it may be) Allison aka "Alli The Magnificent" and Elizabeth aka "My Favorite Hippie", you guys (or girls, rather) are totally rad!.... So, without further ado, I give you the first chapter of "The Lord of the Belt-Buckles:The Fellowship of the Belt-Buckle....**

**Note:As always, Italics are used for thoughts. Oh, and, did I mention this is written in play-form? Well, it is! (My friend's idea) And of course, as always, Lord of the Rings is not our property, only this particular story and the jokes haha!  
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**The Lord of the Belt-Buckles**

**The Fellowship of the Belt-Buckle**

**~*~ ACT I ~*~**

**-Chapter 1-**

**Co-written by Cam & Chris  
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**Narrator:**  
Hello friend, you are very lucky to stumble upon this tale. I will be your guide through the proverbial trenches of magic, mullets, and good old southern folk.*Ahem* We begin our adventure in the land of Shower, where the town is being spied upon by a malevolent yet slightly smelly force.

**Sauron:**  
(looking through a telescope on Frodo In the shower) Sheeeeeoot! Look at that lil' feller down there, usin' that soap! I never touch the stuff, hell, I never even take showers. Wadda pussy!

**Narrator:**  
Meanwhile in the the Shower... Frodo's shower.

**Frodo:**  
(taking a shower) (singing) Like a virgin! ... Touched for the very first time! ... Like a vir-r-r-r-gin! (steps out of his shower)

**Gandalf:**  
FRODO, MY BOY!!!

**Frodo:**  
(startled) Ahhhhh! ... Gandalf you nearly made me jump out of my skin!

**Gandalf:**  
That's because that's all you are wearing, my boy.

**Frodo:**  
Oh forget it, anyways, your late.

**Gandalf:**  
A wizard is never late, Frodo Baggins, nor is he early, he arrives preci... (notices a fuzzy pink thong on the table beside him) What is this!!! (picks it up)

**Frodo:**  
_Oh crap, he's found my pleasure-wear!_ Uh... Umm... I can umm... I can explain!

**Gandalf:**  
(shouting) Why do you have my thong, you tiny little pervert!

**Narrator:**  
Little did Gandalf know, Frodo bought the fuzzy pink thong with his... STOLEN CREDIT CARD!!! Now back to the story.

**Frodo:**  
W-W- What? _Whew! I thought for a minute that my nighttime habits had been discovered!_

**Gandalf:**  
Go on... explain yourself! (looks towards window) Sam, you postiferous little blob, get your Big Mac devouring cheeks in here now!

**Sam:**  
(looks through window from outside) Aww Man! (storms inside) Please Mr. Gandalf, don't make fun of the Mac-Attack.

**Gandalf:**  
(grabs Sam by the shirt, and yells in his face) Dangit, Samwise Gamgee! Have you been eves-dropping?

**Sam:**  
I've been dropping no eves, sir... honest!

**Frodo:**  
Why were you looking in my window, Sam? I was taking a shower!

**Sam:**  
I was just whacking the weeds, Mr. Frodo... I swear!

**Gandalf:**  
(lets go of Sam) You were whackin' something alright, but it wasn't a weed!

**Frodo:**  
No, Gandalf, I believe Sam. He was whacking weeds... dickweeds.

**Sam:**  
I've done no such thing! Anyway... (looks at Frodo) Oh, I see you're dressed for Bilbo's party Mr. Frodo!

**Frodo:**  
Very funny, Sam! Anyways, I would have dressed if it wasn't for Mr. Pimp-wizard over there! And you the "weed-whacker", besides, the party was yesterday, don't you remember?.

**Sam:**  
I don't know, Mr. Frodo, Meth is one heck of a drug! Anyway... Mr. Gandalf, how did you know I was outside? Did you use your magic?

**Gandalf:**  
I don't need magic to see your fat ass by the window! It's kinda hard to miss! Anyway, I didn't come half-way around Middle-Earth to listen to you two queers babble on, I have urgent business to discuss with you, Frodo; at the party, did Bilbo happen to give you his tackle-box?

**Frodo:**  
Yes, it's over there on the fireplace.

**Gandalf:**  
Which fireplace, there's three of them?

**Frodo:**  
Why, the one with the tackle-box on it, of course.

**Gandalf:**  
They all have tackle-boxes on them, you naked twit!

**Frodo:**  
It's the one near the Doe-in-heat urine, you old fart!

**Gandalf:**  
Oh okay, I see it. (reaches for tackle-box)

**Frodo:**  
No, I said the one next to the Doe-in-heat urine!

**Gandalf:**  
This is the one next to the Doe-in-heat urine!

**Frodo:**  
No, that's Uncle Bilbo's clean urine sample I gave him!

**Gandalf:**  
Well, how was I supposed to know?

**Frodo:**  
Because it says "Bilbo's Urine Sample" on it, you illiterate geezer!

**Gandalf:**  
Which one is it then?

**Frodo:**  
(points) That one!

**Gandalf:**  
(walks over and notices there are two tackle-boxes on either side of the Doe-in-heat urine) Ah, this one. (grabs one and walks over to the fireplace)

**Frodo:**  
Nooooooooooooo!!!

**Gandalf:**  
(throws the tackle-box in the fire) Not to worry, my boy, everything will be alri...

**Narrator:**  
An explosion rings out from the fire place knocking Frodo onto Gandalf.

**Gandalf:**  
(pushes Frodo off of him, and gets up) Get off of me you naked freak, I told you that was a one-time thing!

**Frodo:**  
(gets up) You idiot! What have you done!

**Gandalf:**  
Don't worry the belt-buckle is perfectly safe.

**Frodo:**  
What belt-buckle? That was my whiskey. You grabbed the wrong one you dumbass!

**Gandalf:**  
Oh fine I'll just get the other box! (gets the other tackle-box, and throws it in the fire)

**Frodo:**  
What are you doing!?

**Gandalf:**  
Don't worry, the belt-buckle will not be harmed.

**Frodo:**  
(shouting) What belt-buckle!?!

**Gandalf:**  
Uncle Bilbo's special belt-buckle, the one he wore around his neck to all those parties.

**Frodo:**  
What the heck do I want with that piece of junk?

**Gandalf:**  
It's not junk, it's the most powerful weapon in Middle-Earth!

**Frodo:**  
Then why was it in a freakin' tackle-box?

**Gandalf:**  
Shut up, and read this! (takes the belt-buckle out of the fire and puts it in Frodo's hands)

**Frodo:**  
I can't read this chicken-scratch... wait I see something... it says... GIT R DUN!

**Gandalf:**  
Just as I thought... This belt-buckle must be destroyed!

**Frodo:**  
What do you mean it must be destroyed? It just says "GIT R DUN" what does that even mean?

**Gandalf:**  
I'll tell you when you're older, my boy.

**Frodo:**  
I'm freakin' 30!

**Gandalf:**  
Ah, I'll keep that in mind. Anyway the belt-buckle must be... hey, where is Sam?

**Narrator:**  
As Gandalf and Frodo made there way to the kitchen, there stood Sam near an open refrigerator.

**Frodo:**  
(yelling) Sam! What are you doing in my kitchen?

**Sam:**  
(mumbling with a chicken wing in his mouth) I was just checkin' the light in the refrigerator, Mr. Frodo.

**Frodo:**  
Can you not see the chicken wing lodged in your throat?

**Sam:**  
What chicken wing? (grabs it and throws it breaking the window)

**Frodo:**  
You broke my widow!

**Sam:**  
No I didn't!

**Gandalf:**  
Will you two just shut up, your giving me a migraine! Here is what I want you two to do...

**Bono:**  
HELLO HELLOOO! did someone call for U2?

**Narrator:**  
Go away Bono, you don't have to be in everything!

**Gandalf:**  
Anyway this is what I want you two to do. First of all, Frodo go get some clothes on...


End file.
